THOUGHTS OF EXISTENCE

We don’t really know our existence until we found the reason behind; I was about 14 years old when I started to ask “what is my existence for?” questions keep popping into my mind. Why am I me? What will I do after I graduate? Do I have to look for a job, marry, and then have a family of my own? Raised kids, and make them go to school so they can get good job then have their own family too? So this is it? Just this kind of cycle that we are facing for our existence?

What else do we need to cope up for our existence gratification? I don’t know, and still I don’t have a sign that I know.

December 2007 when I left Philippines for Baku city, Azerbaijan, it’s a small country divided with the tradition of European and language of Russian, yes, it is complicated as that. Their people are called “azeri” and their national language is Russian yet their culture is not very Russian at all, European it is.

I live there for a year and had a job at the beach resort in Caspian sea, the “Khazar Golden Beach Resort”. I don’t understand their language, it’s mixed with their local dialect “Azerbaijani and Russian as national language”, and sometimes they talked to me in Azerbaijani with an additional word of ruski (Russian). For a year of staying there, my wonders to my existence becoming bigger and bigger. “why am I here actually?” but I will always end up to the answer of  “job” yes, “a job”. I came here to have a job, and so I lived in order to make for a living, and I make for a living so I can eat, buy clothes and send money for my parents, and what else?? And again I don’t know... I guess something is missing!

One day, its winter and I decided to walk alone at the park of Baku, when I felt that my feet are quite aching from my boots as snow arises, I decided to take a rest in one of the bench. As seated, I realized I was in the middle; I am surrounded with big buildings.  At the back, I can see some of the famous brands of clothes, bags and others. Yeah, I’ve seen “Gucci, mango, Louis Vuitton” and more, from their respective stores straight ahead. As I get back my head at front I’ve seen different famous stores of fast food chains, on my left side are the tallest building of gadgets and on my right are the finest restaurants.  And right in front of me, are people walking from my left to right, right to left, talking about their dream job position, dream house, dream car, dream gadgets and oh their dream boy and girl not to forget that. While I was on my own thinking and wondered, is this really the biggest dream that we could have in our existence? To get all of these?  “Sigh”  I don’t know… who the hell knows?! What we knew right now is that every day, we should work to get money, so we can survive.

December 2008 I went back to the Philippines, and a year after I decided to pursue my degree. I know it’s not easy to get back to college after I had experienced earning money on my own, to think I will also be adjusting with my new batch mates; I joined another group of mass communication students. I know about adjustment in many ways, but this, it’s really hard, really. Though they are only younger than me in 2-3 years. I really had a hard time in dealing with them. Their more self-centered, happy go-lucky at times, and ignores the importance of time which I don’t like. I hate wasting time, for me time is precious than anything in this world, but then again what is time when you don’t know the reason of your existence at all!

As am back as a college student, my every day routine is giving me a boring life at all. I felt like I’m wasting my time and money in getting back to school. Why am I feeling liked this? Is it because I already had an experienced of the outside world as an employee and had been out from the comfort zone of school perimeter? I felt lazy every day from Mondays to Saturdays, Its liked I want to be somewhere else than being comforted by the safe ground of school. I’m tired of listening to my professors every day; I’m tired of being in the library to review my notes, though library is my best friend when it comes to novels. I don’t review my notes there; I read some of the novels of the great writers, from that I feel ceased of being tired. “at last “.

Heading forward, months before graduation, then it came the bad news for the entire media man. “ The Maguindanao Massacre”, when 70 percent I guess, of the media men in Mindanao found dead and massacred including civilians in the province of maguindanao, that it shocked not just the entire Philippines but the world.  It was the most painful thing that ever happened in the Filipino people and from that, the Philippines was listed as the most unsafe country for journalist. Everybody was mourning, the everyday routine is not the same anymore, especially for the families of media men and civilians who are the victims of “ Maguindanao Massacre”. That painful event was the talk of the town globally.

As everyone is started to have a new life after that.  The family of the victims decided to have a prayer vigil for all the victims living in boomtown city, and we, students at that time invited to come and to participate the said activity as media practitioners of that said city. I was quite excited when our major professor picked me to be one of the 3 students to come as representative of the mass communication department of the university. Because of my excitement to go out, and to meet the families of the victims, me and the other 2 decided to bring the video camera, voice recorder, and prepared some questions. Though our professor didn’t encourage us to make some documentary at all, we prepared it for our own and so we can upload it on YouTube, after all it’s the least that we can do in helping them to re-broadcast their pains and sorrows, so the government will eventually make a move to give them the justice that they are deserve as soon as possible. As we’re waiting for the cue from our professor to the leave the university, may phone beeps. A text message from my professor:

“IM SORRY, YOU CANNOT COME TO THE PRAYER VIGIL, WE HAD A BRIEF MEETING WITH THE UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT AND THE DEAN. FOR YOUR SAFETY, WE ARE NOT PARTICIPATING. “.

For our safety? Really? This is what I hate about activities participated from universities, we always need approval by the president. “Damn, how can they be so unkind in times of this? “

The families are just asking for our presence, and I know nothing will happen because the prayer vigil is here in boomtown city not in Maguindanao. “This is absurd”.

 Everyone is always wanted to be at their comfort zones. Yes!, comfort zone ha?. No one will ever try their luck to fulfill their existence after all. We put in every situation so we can be more aware of our existence, and I think, to know my existence in this world is to somewhat help people to relay message through social media, but how can I when I’m surrounded with negative and mute people! Why can they just see the point of being alive? After all we’re all gonna be dead, so why not seize the moment since we’re still breathing. We should at least do things that can make us worth dying for, so we can say it to ourselves that we had accomplished something and that God gave us the reason to be here on earth. I don’t know why there are mute people everywhere, afraid I guess! But we all have fears and in order to cope up with the fears, we have to face it.  

“I don’t know, really” I don’t know how to know my existence.

What about you? Yes, you? Do you know the reason for your existence aside from fulfilling your own personal dreams??